shadowfax186

I love rediscovering a movie you knew you loved but had forgotten how extraordinary it is. You go into it a little afraid you wont like it as much as you remember. That perhaps memory has built it up into something better that it was. Then, not only is it as good, there are parts that mean even more to you now then they could have before. Twice this week I've expirienced this. Life Aquatic, and right now, Benjamin Button.
George and I have always loved this about movies. They are a type of a magic in the modern world. Its one tangible thing but it can mean anything to anyone, like a really good song. No one ever sees the same movie in the same way. Except, and this is conceded to say, maybe George and I. I sometimes felt we were the same person looking through two sets of eyes. Then he'd say something I couldn't put into words or wasnt even aware i was thinking until he said it. Or I would point out something and he'd light up with an expression that made me think it was the same for him. Back when we were just friends he said out of everyone it felt like I was a female version of him. That we had an unspoken understanding.
We belived in soul mates, love at first sight, everything to honest. But most of all the timing of the universe. That somethings were always meant to happen. But in their own time. Sometimes people are meant for someone but they arent the right people yet. Life hasnt seasoned them perfectly yet. It doesnt make them any less soul mates, just arent done cooking. Time is a funny thing. Life is a funny thing.
I feel sometimes now that I think things George would say. My poetry comes easier than before, Its almost as if a part of him has found a way to meld itself with my being in an ultimate final romantic gesture. the origin of love, two become one. Yet I still feel empty. Every day takes an eternity to end yet what seems like an enternity drifts by is seconds, like sand too tiny and quick to grasp.
It almost seems as though ignorance truley is bliss. I was happy alone before I knew the wonders of love, before I understood the meaning of life. Then it was as if my eyes opened for the first time and my goals that once seemed meaningful became like a childs toys; once all important now just a fond memory of simple days. Meaning no more than the importance we gave them.
So you walk along with this newfound enlightenment. You can get through anything, nothing can harm you because you know whats important. A week before George died we had this conversation about all the silly crap pestering us: car troubles, finances, job troubles, ect. And we laughed because we knew something most people dont find out till they are older. That none of it was imporant, whats imporant is only what you take away from it. We had each other. We never took each other for granted. We never even had a big fight.
Then the one thing that you cant live without is gone. Gone from your life in a tangible way, at least. And you wish you could go back to petty concerns, and goals. Cause it would make life easier. Make moving on possible. but you know what? Some things change you so much you cant go home again. Some wounds go to deep, some hurts can never be healed. Thats not a bad thing. Its not a good thing. its just life.
So while everything else has seemed to loose meaning, somehow movies haven't. If i want to feel pain, they allow me to with out anyone wondering why im crying. If i want to laugh they allow me too without anyone wondering how I can possibly do doing so well at a time like this. But the truth is I can easily find George in them. Its one the few times we would sit in the dark, not talking. So its easier to pretend nothing is changed. Just turn the lights of and get lost together.
And this movie is brilliant. We saw it Benjamin Button for the first time with Nic and Jesse. And I remember them saying how sad it was. George and I both cried during the movie as well but we did not find it at all sad. We were smiling at the end. We found it beautiful and hopeful and bittersweet and poignant, And that night we held each other basking in the glow of our shared understanding. We were most happy we got to see it together because in it we saw ourselves.
I love you George. You are still my constant, and forever my ever only.

I'm trying not to be jealous. even though i know george thinks I'm cute when i get jealous. Its so hard to keep from doing the same things i get pissed at everyone else for doing. Even if i feel i have more of a right to. It shouldnt matter. Its just when i hear people pissing about how there future wont be the same without george or how theyre upset because something they planned to do eventually but may not have done anyways, will never get to be done now.. pisses me off. I want to put things in perspective for them. Hell my whole future is gone. my present existence as well, to say the least. And im not bitching about it. at least until now because im sick of everyone else feeling sorry for themselves. If you must feel sorry, Feel sorry for george. For the things he didnt get to do, not for yourselves. Though its tempting. Trust me. Every second of every day I'm reminded of what Ive lost. The only time i squeeze by is when i pretend hes still here, sleeping on the couch or in the other room. We banter. sometimes, he even turns on the tv or i can feel him touch me. 4 weeks without his touch. this is hell. in three years i havent gone this long. We were not a married couple who stopped having sex. I like to pretend the gods were jealous of our love so they ended it before we got to have children. But Bast, spoke to the dream king and he granted us a boon. He took george peacefully and without pain and is letting him stay in the world we created in the dreaming until i can join him. We found favor with Bast for taking in Katara so shes returning the kindness. ..Maybe I'm crazy, but it works for me. At least i have livejournal. I can scream as loudly as i want and no one has to hear it. it cant make anyone feel worse than they already do. Trust me, i dont wish that agony on anyone.

Been on a home improvment frenzy. George and I had a lot of projects going. So far Ive replaced all the switch plates, and air vent grates. Framed some notes george wrote me as decorations. Still so much more to do.
Wish list: Bedside table for guest room, to replace the rock band box Ive been using..
2 new bookcases once guest rom is cleaned out.
pair of floor lamps for the living room.
an electrician to replace the dining room track light, fix the light on the ceiling fan, and repair the stripped outlet.
wooden slat blinds so the cat cant break them.
New flooring in the bathroom (snap in wood floor)
New porch light/ceiling fan.
steam cleaning for the carpet.

..that should keep me busy ;).

I understand where people are coming from, I accept it, but it still pisses me off. Part of me wants to be alone because almost everyone is consitantly pissing me off right now. I try to be cryptic as to not infringe or make light of anyones grief. Mourning is not about one-up man ship, and facebook is possibly the worse thing to happen to death this century.
People who feel the need to control every situation do not do well when confronted with death I just wish I could keep their issues from bothering me. But people are too worried about themselves, some of them dont even consider the dead, they only reflect on how it effects them. Is that right?
I'm not even going to touch the people who feel someone has to be to blame. Not even something, someone. What good does that do? Does the hate overpower the guilt they must feel. Is that why they do it?

Favorite emotion: bittersweet.
Favorite ice cream flavor: Strawberry
Favorite line from lord of the rings: I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.
Favorite lost character: Locke. (also favored, jack and ben)
favorite non-fiction show: Top Gear
Favorite part to be massaged: ears
favorite thing to drink (non alcohol): pepsi
favorite thing to eat: candy
favorite cliche: the press will have a feild day with this
favorite tv personality: Gordon Ramsey
Favorite roadside attraction: Rock City
Favorite place: Venice, Italy
Favorite cigarette: Blacks

I just felt like making a list.
And this is the one place i can post away from the all seeing eye. So if i want to say how bitter I feel I can. Or if i want to be sappy I can do that as well. Most importantly without imposing my feeling and impedeing the mourning process of others. LJ is a good place. I may be back more often.

I feel the childish gush of wanting to list all my favorite Christmas presents. the most obvious is a years worth of internet and cable from George's parents. can i say YAY? YAY. Anyway, usually i have a habit of taking pictures of all my presents as a way of remembering what i get, but this year i'm writing it down cause its easier, so you dont have to read this post, its mostly just for my benifit.

- Bare minerals
- lots of sweaters
- gift cards (100 oldnavy, 50 kohls, 100 pottery barn, 75 publix, 50 ikea)
- hocky jersey (beatrix got one too :).)
-digital camera
-blue ray player and hdmi cable
-panini maker
-george forman grill
-cake baking stuff and cook books
- perfume (burberry brit, burberry summer, incantato)
- thermal sheets
-red leather Chanel handbag
- changling
-9 piece luggage set
-lots of awesome books
-Game, such a thing
-coffee for tassimo
-bath robe
- tori amos cd/dvd
-bath stuff (wash, bubble, inflatable pillow)
-homemade candle
-candies and food baskets
and i bought myself.. A pound of earl grey creme

i think thats all, but i have such a big family now, please dont be offended if i forgot something. We were a little cheap on buying presents this year, disney doesnt pay to well, but they were all from the heart. Got some good work news though. I'm still with disney, this is my third christmas with the company. Anyway, i finally made trainer and am on the saftyboard.

George and i took our christmas trip to tennessee a couple weeks ago. Spent more time in Georgia this time. Did i tell you we got a cat? her name is Katara. She was a stray, only a few weeks old. Six claws on each paw and spots of her belly.
Sorry if my thoughts are disconnected we're watching 500 days of summer right now. I guess ill let you go. but ill see you again soon.

I was at work today, for my last real day of work before i get married. i go in on monday but i dont have to wear a silly costume or do anything quest service related. its for my gun class :). On the 23rd of April when i come back to work I'll be officially gangster trained and get to make little kids cry and carry a gun at work. Anyway.. while at work today i got my break really early and was then toold to go see the manager. This is usually not a good thing for me, so, with hesitency i went to Rachels office and was told i was being volunteered for a project. This month Eyes and Ears, the cast member magazine, is doing a series on magical moments. Magical moments are tasks you get when there are no avalible assignments and each attraction has one unique to itself. For instance at the jungle cruise they have Jr. Skipper where a kid gets to help drive the boat. For Movie Ride we have magical handprint ceremonies. Every once in a while well stop a kid looking at the handprints and ask them if they would like to do thier own set of hand prints. We give them paint and let them do handprints on the back of a spiffy disney certificate then treat them like celebrities and take them onto the ride through the VIP entrance with no wait. When they get off we present them with the certificate to take home and keep. The magazine needed a movie rider to present it for the series and she thought of me :D. So I got to play around with paint for an hour while they took pictures and interviewed me. Sometime next month their will be an article about me and the ceremony printed in Eyes and Ears. cool huh?

We have had a lot of house guests recently. Its awesome having a place people actually like to visit :). This also means more excuses to go swimming in the heated pool and hot tub. though, the hot tub here is unnaturaly hot. By that i mean burn your skin off hot. But i still like it. besides it numbs your sences to the cold when you get out so you dont feel anything but euphoric for the following two hours.
George's ex Laura and her boyfriend Dennis stayed over here saturday. We chilled and watched Enemy Mine. I guess technically its kinda a B-movie but its so awesome. That was after boiling ourselves in the hot tub. Then Yesterday we went to epcot for the flower and garden festival. we actually saw two of Davy Jones preformances (Monkee's). He switched up the songs so it was like one big concert. good times. Also.. i found a dress. we went to china on a whim and laura helped me try on perspective wedding dresses. I settled on a long silk dress with small pale embroided flowers on it. The dress is gold and hand made in shang hai. Best of all it was 110$ marked 50% off with a plus 20% for being a cast member. I got it for 34$ :D.
Anyway plans are finally coming in to fruition. We got our marriage licence today at the clerk of courts office. No line or anything, took us less than 30 minutes. who knew getting married was so easy? As for the getting married part Amy took care of that for us. We have an appointment on April 1st for 4pm at the old brooksville court house downtown. Private ceremony for family done in the same room georges father got sworn in. Then to celebrate we're going to Miss Kittys across the street to toast.
I also got a dress this weekend at New York and Co. (cause i have no money and its the only store i have a credit card for.) In case we have a reception, otherwise ill wear it to the little shower my mom is throwing me next saturday. But its very nice and comfy. Sleeve less, long flowy white empire dress with a light snake skin pattern on it. George even picked out a shawl for it so i wont get cold.
We also got a ton of books at waldens going out of buisness sale. All 40% off. I think we got about 5 graphic novels, an uncle johns bathroom reader, and george bought me the childrens book miraculous journey of edward toulane.
Sure, we should be responceable and buy house or wedding things but we couldnt pass up uber cheap books :(.
Speaking of marriage our wedding bands came today but were werent home to pick them up. bah. so were trying to find up where to pick them up so i can grab them after by dr.s appointment today. Im going around 3:30 to get birth control.
George had an appointment today too. he got sleeping pills.
anyway, thats all thats new. ttyl.

happy st. paddies friends!
we celebrated in grand style this morning. Woke up, joined george on the porch for a smoke. Then we got to incling to go for a swim. Chilled in the club house pool for about an hour. took a dip in the hot tub. Then came back to watch tv and make breakfast. I fried up a bunch of french toast and a lb bacon. now were chilling and watching lost until we decide to drive back to the hill for the King and I tonight. Need to find a pretty dress to bring. its been a while since i dressed up for the fun of it. i should probably wear something green huh? as for tonight i should we should go somewhere for drinks. sounds all in all like a prefect day to celebrate.

*so yeah.. its not st. spatricks day. wrong day. im a loser. somehow george and i both got the date wrong. but anyway, ill be working then so we'll consider this my holiday as default.

i worried. Im worried the dress that was going to be made for me wont be made and that no reception will be planned for our wedding. that well have no plans for a honeymoon and no money with which to take one.
Oh well. Worse comes to worse.. i buy a dress at the mall, express ship our rings the day before with my income tax refund, host a back yard bbq reception and aimlessly road trip around florida for 2 weeks afterward. Doesnt sound too bad does it?
I wish i wasnt gaining wieght back though. I wanted to have a skinny wedding dress. I went from a 14-12 down to an 8-6. now im about a solid 8 with some frustrating size 10 days. i think it feels worse than it shows, i hope. at least im no where near the 14 i used to be right? I look like ive lost weight since that right? i should celebrate that.
bah, celebrate.. that word is so disney-fied now.
new supernatural night. and then supernatural con the weekend after next. i want to meet Jared and ask him what he thought of the great movie ride. but i shouldnt. if only cause his tourguide sucked.
i just spent 50$ on groceries. but it was fun groceries. like chips, salsa, ice cream, beer. That was my splurge. the beer. Its sam adams cherry wheat and i love it to death. i dont like to drink alone, but i cold beer and some chips. mmm. i could be pursuaded tonight to make myself a little squiffy before george gets home.
i know, your thinking, no wonder shes no size 6 with food like that. bah to you, all i had was healthy food in the house. i had to buy the junk food so i could save the healthy stuff for meals. if all thats in the house is chicke breast then chicken breast becomes a snack food for george and im stuck with lipton noodles for dinner. though to be fair he he those for snacks too. hehe. i love george. he makes me happy. i even bought him his triple cheese totino's pizzas. nothing says love like 1$ frozen pizza ;).
I want to buy some miyazaki movies but there so freaking expenisive. like 25$ a dvd just for spirited away. grrr. did you know neil gaimen wrote the english translated script for the american dubbed princess mononoke? cool huh? hes awesome. If i could have a career modeled after anyone id want his. He writes novels, childrens books, picture books, graphic novels, screenplays, articles, short stories and non-fiction. and is sickeningly good at all of it. hell, even his blog is always entertaining.
i heart neil.
btw i decided on Nenya. also im buying the HP proclamation board for the kitchen so we can write notes on it. hehe. as for my dress. just in case the flapper dress i wanted his mom to make me is impossible to finish in time, im going to the mall. I found a sort of sun dress at anthropologie i desprately. Id post a pict but the lonk wasnt working. anyway.. if anyone possibly wants to go wedding dress hunting when im down in town the weekend before we tie the knot i have a feeling it could be a fun mall trip. also, i know were not having a wedding or even possibly anything resembling a reception, my mum is throwing my a bridal shower. Really just old church ladies drinking tea and eating scones on the 28th. also that night if that sounds too boring for you... tammy and i are going to the bowling alley for drinkiing, ski ball, and bowling. You are all welcome and encourged if avalible to join us for either/both.